Medieval Medicine
by deadpan riot
Summary: A young Integra is coming down with a cold, and Alucard wants to help.  Unfortunately for her, his methods are a bit...dated.  One-shot.


Just something random that popped into my head for no good reason.(Blame the Inspiration Gremlin, he likes to bite.) Takes place when Integra's still just a wee lass. Wait, that's a scottish phrase isn't it? Hm, well, whatever. Pretend Father Anderson popped in and said that line and we're good.  
**Not **AxI, btw.

Disclaimer: I do nah own. And junk. Cheers!

Medieval Medicine

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8pm, Hellsing Manson, Integra's room

"Lift your tongue please, Miss Hellsing."

Integra looked ruefully at Walter and the thermometer in his hand, before doing as asked. The thing was cold, and tasted, from what she could tell, horrible. "Not sick." She grumbled moodily around the object protruding from her mouth.

"Please don't speak Integra, lest you wish we do this again due to an inaccurate reading." His tone was far more clipped than she would have liked, even if she had been fighting this entire thing from the get-go.

She refrained from making an annoyed noise, compromising by pulling her folded arms tighter to herself. She didn't want to admit it was just as much for added warmth as it was to get her irritation across. Just because she did happen to be feeling a bit under the weather, did _not _mean she was sick.

"My, my, Master, catching a cold are we?" Alucard phased smoothly into the room, ignoring the open door that was right next to where he'd appeared.

"_No_ I bloody well am _not_!" The thermometer flew from her mouth at the outburst, Walter groaning in exasperation. With a growl she snatched the plastic device from where it'd fallen in her lap, sticking it back in her mouth and biting down pointedly.

Alucard, grinning a bit like the Cheshire cat, came to stand next to her bed, positively looming over her. "Why Master, what a marvelous idea!"

"What?" Integra frowned up at the vampire, not only confused, but a little unnerved. She'd learned quite quickly that the way his mind worked wasn't always pleasant. Or coherent. At least, not in any way she was familiar with.

Alucard leaned closer, voice dropping a few octaves. "Don't worry, it'll only hurt for a moment…"

"What on earth are you-Don't you dare!" Integra threw up an arm to push the vampire's face away from her neck. Her hand wasn't nearly big enough to obscure the entirety of his face, and she noted that the hurt look there didn't match the amusement in his eyes.

"What's the matter my Master? Blood letting is a valid form of medical treatment…"

"Blood let-damn it Alucard, that's no excuse to try to _feed_ on me!"

"I beg to differ." The smile that slid smoothly onto his face was something that would have given small children nightmares.

Integra made a show of making herself more comfortable, nonverbally telling her servant she was unaffected by his creeper tactics.

"Shall we give this one last go then?" Walter held out the thermometer to her, which seemed to have gotten away from her at some point or another.

She took it silently, looking back over at Alucard as she did. "And I'll have you know that blood letting hasn't been a valid treatment since the invention of modern medicine."

He continued to smile in that way of his until she looked away to engage Walter. He beat her to it. "Have you considered leeches?"

The butler raised an eyebrow. "I'm afraid not, Alucard. I hardly see how they would be relevant."

Alucard nodded sagely. "Of course, I should have known."

Integra all the while was looking back and forth between the two men on opposite sides of her, torn between wanting to interject, and wanting to get the damn temperature taking over. She was well aware of the wary look in Walter's eyes, and knew that whatever it meant couldn't bode well for her.

"Alucard," Walter started, but Alucard held up a hand to stop him.

"Don't worry, I'll be taking my leave now." He glanced slyly back over at Integra. "Good night, Mistress. Perhaps you'll feel better in the morning."

She didn't at all like the way in which he said those final words, but before she could interrogate him he'd already gone. And honestly, she was far too tired for such a thing anyway.

Walter plucked the thermometer lightly from her mouth, eyeing up the final numbers. "Hm, a bit of a fever, but nothing to worry about for now."

"I told you Walter, I'm not sick."

"Of course you're not Ma'am." He handed her a glass of water and some pills as he spoke, and she took them without complaint.

"Blood letting, honestly." Integra handed the glass back to Walter, who set it on the nightstand.

"Well to be fair Madam, that _was _a commonly used treatment back when Alucard was human. It's only logical that he hold onto the notion, even if it has since been proven ineffective." He smiled lightly at her. "Habit of old age, I'm afraid."

"Perhaps. Although I imagine it was more of a habit of opportunity. After all, it makes for an excellent excuse for him to, ah, 'suck out the bad blood'."

Walter chuckled. "I suppose you're right. Now, get some sleep. I'll come back in the morning to check your temperature so we can plan your schedule accordingly."

With a sigh she crawled under the covers, muttering 'yes mum' under her breath as she did.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that." His tone suggested he did, although the slight smile on his lips kept her from feeling too bad about it.

Integra threw her butler a small, apologetic smile. "Goodnight Walter."

"Goodnight Integra." He turned the lights off as he left, the door clicking softly as it closed.

With a sigh she let her consciousness slip into the warm embrace of the darkness of her room, trying to ignore the ache of her body.

_12am, Integra's room_

Her eyes slid open before consciousness was really with her, unsure of what had woken her up. She could just barely make out the edge of the bed she happened to be facing, everything else in front of her blurry and indistinct. Frowning, she cast her sleep fogged gaze about, trying to discern if anything was out of place. It was made doubly hard without her glasses, but she couldn't bring herself to move to grab them. Not just because she was incredibly comfortable, but because she had the eerie feeling that she was being watched.

Annoyed at herself, she pushed away the childish fear of monsters in the closet and rolled over onto her back. She almost wished she hadn't.

Two glowing red orbs hovered in the darkness near the foot of her bed, nothing else distinguishable in the lack of light.

"Alucard…" Her voice was far less intimidating than she would have liked, and the sudden prickling at the back of her throat didn't help.

The vampire stepped forward, his form detangling itself from the shadows of the room as he came to stand beside her. "Master."

Integra frowned at him, disliking the way he was looking at her. "What are you doing in my bedroom?"

His smile widened. "Why, I've come to heal you, my Master." He brought his arm up, revealing to her a bowl she hadn't noticed him carrying. At her confused look, he titled it until she could see inside, revealing a squirming black mass that made her stomach crawl.

"Alucard, are those…"

"Leeches, my Master." He plucked one from the bowl, letting it squirm between his fingers. "Now, get undressed so that I may apply them."

_12:02am, Walter's room_

Walter awoke to the sounds of crashing coming from somewhere above him, and he could just barely make out the string of curses punctuating the intervals of silence.

He seriously contemplated going back to sleep before his conscious reminded him that he was the butler, and Integra, though his boss, was still a 14 year old girl learning how to deal with the antics of a centuries old psychopath.

And so with a sigh he crawled out of bed to attend to his duty of damage control, on the way passing a heartily laughing vampire covered in bits of broken porcelain and leeches.

It was going to be a long night.

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Poor Walter, I wonder if he ever gets a good night's sleep? Probably not. He should call Alfred up to take over for him for awhile, take a vacation in the bahama's or something. Yea, I just threw a really lame-ass batman reference in there, what of it?

Well I'm off, see you kids later (hopefully when i finish the next chapter of that crossover eh? lol)

deadpan riot


End file.
